the enchanter

Assignment #4.. On the Fall of the Bastille, on the Revolution.

Now that the night has fallen it only seems quiet and peaceful as ever, but I cannot sleep, so I took to the pen again.

Guillaume has left, hoping to find and join his colleagues; Jean-Phillip is staying with the family for the night, I think he is talking to Guy in his cottage beside the main garden. They are having several of the male servants on guard tonight; JP thinks we should secure the gates in case a band of provoked people attack us. We have also sent a maid to Emma’s house, to be certain that she is safe with her family.

…a curious feeling has been awakened in me—fear, of course, but also a strange sort of agitation, excitement… is the world to be changed? If the world is to be changed, does it mean that all the conventions of this society will be broken and reformed? How will it be affecting me—I know only that it will be an immense impact, but not in which fashion, yet. I cannot imagine my life being different from what it is now, I do not know if I could live any differently; I cannot imagine the perfect still picture of the court life and my quiet and content family repainted into an entirely new canvas. It is not a perfect happiness, for no such thing as a perfect happiness exists, and any picture can always be improved by a subtle touch of a skilful master; however, there is such a balance in the current state of my life I am afraid to embrace anything so alien.

On the other hand… these changes that I am afraid of also means a possibility of realizing my relationship with Charles, the older brother of Jeanne. By now, I have almost given up on continuing our relationship, consumed and exhausted by the three months of guilt-laden, clandestine meetings. Contrary to our mutual bright hopes my spirit has fallen regarding this relationship with no future, and I have been refraining from meeting him lately. Consequently I have also less frequented the Olivier’s, so I have heard no news about Charles, or his family. I wonder what they must be doing tonight, after all that has happened during the day? Are they going to join the rebellion, or will they stay as little involved as possible? I understand that Jeanne’s father, a quiet and serious man, does not like troubles, and that they have many noble clients, including my family. They would not join any sort of gathering that is formed in the intention to kill anyone. But Charles… I know of his enlightened mind and innovative views on many matters, including that of class; especially since we fell in love with each other, knowing that we could never be together under any legitimate authority, he has become more disillusioned about the wrongs of the present society. His intelligent mind and good heart will not lead him to voluntarily committing any senseless action, or so I pray to the Lord, but what if he involves himself in this whirlwind of revolution and puts himself in danger? I heard that not only the guards at the Bastille but also several of the people were killed today. Thankfully Mother ceased JP before he told of any more details, but the horrible fact that they had to resolve the aggravation by killing each other, was enough to sadden and depress me in the profoundest manner. I feel helpless only to be able to pray at such a moment as this; I fear for the loss of everything.

With all my heart I wish for changes to bring light into the lives of the starved and neglected, but I wish as much for the people’s ability to see what unnecessary losses and grief they could result should their fervid sentiments be the only guide of their actions. Nevertheless, if all things are to be changed, and I had to make a choice, I would follow my heart and be with the one with whom I wish to be. One may say it is only my youthful ardour, transient possession by infatuation, but I truly believe he is the one that I will love to my last day. Charles, my only love, when I parted with him I knew in my heart that even if I should get married to any decent noble young man, I would have Charles in my memory so vivid as yesterday; that I would never cease my secret devotion to him. When danger comes his way I will protect him; whatever hurt the changes will bring to him I will shield him from.