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Monday, January 21, 2002

It is my 18th birthday today, and it feels so strange to be eighteen. In the morning when my parents said "happy birthday!" to me, I almost became teary for reasons I could not quite grasp right away.. Maybe it's the sense of having become so old and feeling as if I have not accomlished anything yet? I know I will be laughed at for saying this, at both my feeling old and feeling unaccomplished; but that's how I was feeling this morning. Maybe it's the weather. It's so cloudy and it snowed all morning.. but I wouldn't say it's necessarily dark... Just like my future. Cloudy, snowy, but with a thin trace of light. Yep, nothing is good enough for me.. I want something tangible. I guess I'm getting there.. the funny thing is, right now I think these auditions I have in February and March (oh god, so soon!) will be the most critical events of my life, and yet they will soon come, and then go. Will my life be over after them? It's only starting. But at the doorstep of the adulthood, at the beginning of the passage to the climax of my life, I see the undeniable fear in my heart for the yet unknown variables. Well, to put it more simply, I feel as though I had grown up too quickly. Years have passed by so soon. I am about to be called an "adult", but there is nothing adult about me. Everyone is saying "so you are 18 now, huh?" Then I go, "..yeah..." Big deal. I'm not happy about it. I'm not happy about it at all. *sigh*
Well, at least I'm not twenty yet. I should find consolation in that. And yet I think to myself, so what is the big thing about becoming twenty, anyway? I read in a paper a while ago, that the average age of reaching true adulthood has become much higher than in the past due to the popularization of post-secondary education and a lessened sense of responsibilities and duties due to the generally increased wealth. I guess I am the prime example of that analysis. I might start feeling like a true adult when I have finished sucking up my family's money to study, and am making my own money. What it boils down to, is that I have to pass these auditions with flying results! :o See the loop there?? It is self repeating forever! I am going to study for my Finite exam, and practice....but I think I'll watch Passions first. See, I'm no adult whatever. Am I ok? Oh yeah. What worries does a clueless teenager have?!

posted by the stradgirl* on 15:55|